My work was draining. The joy was no longer there. Sure, I loved caring for patients, but the schedules, the call, and missing my children’s life events were all catching up to me. It all was too much. After two decades at a Level 1 hospital, I was the epitome of a “burned-out” physician. My mind would harken back to the Clash’s famous song from the 1980s—”Should I stay or go now?”
I wanted a change. But it took me five years to make it.
I would listen to my managing partner promise how next year things would get better, after we hired more staff, after we bought a new scheduling platform, after we got through the next contract negotiation. I wanted to believe that it would get better, so I bought into the message.
I also hoped it would magically improve, that the fairy godmother would come in and fix it all.
But those things never happened.
I thought about options: leaving for another job in the state or even moving to another state, although my children were in high school, so that option did not seem viable for our family.
Leaving my job completely. That was a terrifying idea!
I had invested years and years into becoming a doctor. It was all I ever envisioned for myself since I was a little girl. The pre-med courses, med school, internship, residency, fellowship. And now, two decades into my attendingship, I was a senior partner. I was high in seniority and thus had some of the best weeks of vacation to choose from.
Leaving that all behind felt scary and, quite frankly, stupid.
But was it stupid? I asked myself over and over.
I was unhappy at my job. Unhappy with the direction of my group. I wanted to explore other non-clinical possibilities, which was hard to do when working 50-plus hours a week.
But why was I so hesitant to make the decision to leave and give my notice, and so hesitant to prioritize my happiness?
After months of pondering this, I finally realized it came down to these three reasons. These were what was holding me back from moving forward.
The “sunk cost fallacy”
The sunk cost fallacy is a psychological trap that keeps us from changing a course of action or changing a path we are on because we feel that we have invested too much to quit. It happens to all of us, and can manifest as staying at a movie theater watching a movie we hate because we paid for it. It might mean continuing to read a book we started even though we are bored to tears reading it, or staying in a relationship beyond what is healthy for us. For me, it was staying in my job, even though it no longer was serving me, and the costs clearly outweighed the benefits. I feared the loss of all that I had gleaned from working at the same institution for years. My seniority, my reputation. I worried it would take years to move up the ladder at my next job and recreate what I already had. I had “sunk” a lot into this place, so I stayed longer than I should have.
Good ‘ole fear!
Fear of change, even positive change, can be overwhelming. It is scary to make a life-altering decision, and so I put it off out of fear. My primitive brain was keeping me safe and protecting me from unknown harm, but it was not keeping me from the harm I already was experiencing. There was the fear of the unknown, fear of the financial implications, fear that the next endeavor may not be better. Fear can incapacitate us and lead to inaction.
Loyalty
The bond one shares with co-workers and the nostalgia for prior times can often make a person hesitant to move on well after the culture has changed. Often, people equate work colleagues as “family.” I had spent two decades with many of these people and celebrated life milestones with them. Parties, children, and a pandemic later, it felt disloyal to leave them and move forward.
I realized all three of these reasons played a role in my staying well beyond what was healthy for me. The company had changed; organizationally, it was not the same place I started at years prior, and many of my co-workers had retired or left. I had moved up in seniority and had accomplished many goals which I had set for my younger self, but I realized those accomplishments would not be diminished in my leaving.
Overcoming my fear of the unknown was the hardest part, but it was accomplished with support from my family and the knowledge that I knew I could do hard things. I realized that the unknown created a vast sea of opportunity. I embraced a new mantra: “The world of uncertainty is filled with endless opportunities.”
Leaving my job was hard, but it was the best thing for me. It took many years longer than it should have because I was “stuck.”
By not making a decision on whether to leave or not, I felt I couldn’t make the wrong choice. Funny though, I was making a choice. A choice to stay. To stay stuck. I needed to own that and realize that not making a decision was a decision, just a very passive one. Was that the choice I wanted to make? I needed to make an active choice. And so I did. I gave my six-month notice, and immediately after, I felt the biggest relief of my life.
Today, I am one year out from leaving my prior job. I am much better rested, happy, and thriving in so many ways. Awareness about our situations, the reasons for actively choosing to stay at a job or not—and the truth behind them—is the first step in reducing their power over us, and can free us to actively choose the best path forward for each of us!
Kolleen Dougherty is an anesthesiologist.
