To all devoted MAGA patriots aboard the Trump Train:
America’s economy appears to have gone woke and is now fully supporting the reelection of Crooked Joe Biden. I’m not sure how this happened, but no matter how much we say the economy is terrible, it keeps unpatriotically refusing to be terrible, posing a direct threat to PRESIDENT Donald J. Trump in the 2024 presidential race.
Just look at these recent headlines about the now-totally-liberal economy:
Along with all that, the S&P 500, which we now know has a liberal bias, hit a record high Jan. 19, wage growth is beating inflation and jobless claims hit their lowest point since 2022.
There must be fear! Good economic news forces the GOP to switch narrative to the border.
A booming Biden economy is bad for America and worse for Trump
None of this is good news if you care about President Trump or America. It’s clear Democrats are manipulating the economy and making it the strongest economy in the world in order to fool voters into thinking Biden is a competent president.
Don’t believe me? If you own stocks or have a 401(k), just look at your balance and you’ll see EXACTLY what these cheaters are up to. They’re trying to buy your votes by putting more money in your pockets. That’s cheating. DON’T BE FOOLED!
It’s clear true Trump supporters cannot be party to this kind of liberal skullduggery. So in response to this distressing spate of positive economic news, I hereby call on all MAGA faithful to remove themselves from the CORRUPTLY BOOMING BIDEN ECONOMY.
‘Bidenomics’ is working. It’s too bad for Biden that Trump’s message of doom is winning.
Cash out your 401(k) and invest in the Trump Train, baby!
If you have a 401(k), you need to immediately cash that out and either donate the money to President Trump’s reelection campaign/legal defense fund (he will give it back to you, with interest, once elected) or invest those funds in somethings sensible, like digital Trump Trading Cards.
Next, you must quit your job. It’s on us to help President Trump’s campaign by bringing those unemployment numbers back up to where we think they should be under an incompetent president who doesn’t know what day it is.
If you aren’t willing to quit your job, you must at least refuse any pay raise you’re offered. Only a squishy lib would allow himself to get paid more while a DEMONcrat is in office.
Trump’s trading cards got us thinking: Is it sad? Desperate? Or a time to be selfless?
Trump wants you to believe America is a disaster – do as he says
Lastly, it is ABSOLUTELY imperative that you not feel confident about the future. America is a terrible place. It is falling apart. The economy is in shambles and your personal economic situation is a garbage fire.
Darkness is everywhere. Living is anguish. All hope is lost.
Only by embracing these America-first beliefs, and believing Trump is the one person who can fix everything and make life perfect, will you be able to declare yourself a true MAGA loyalist.
So get out there, fellow patriot, and disconnect from Biden’s economy. Sell stocks, put your retirement money in Trump’s coffers, embrace the gloom.
When it comes to Biden’s hot economy, remember this: Go broke or you’re woke.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Booming Biden economy spells trouble for Trump. Just look at your 401k