Before children (B.C.), life was completely different. I had the kind of freedom I didn’t even realize I had. I could decide, on a whim, to go out for dinner, catch a late movie, or simply lie in bed doing absolutely nothing (well, that part rarely happened as I was too busy either in school or thinking about work). I could stay up late, not because I had to, but because I wanted to—reading, watching TV, or just enjoying an empty house’s beautiful, glorious silence. No one was pulling at me, crying for me, or asking me where their other sock went. Life was mine to manage, and it felt easy.
My home, my safe place, went from looking like a show home ready to looking like a tornado ripped through it and remodeled my house into a playhouse, with tiny toys you could trip on, stub your toe on, or squeaky things that would startle your sleeping child.
And then … motherhood happened, and life flipped, and it flipped hard. Suddenly, I had tiny humans whose needs came before everything else. I remember all the hugs and well-meaning “congratulations” from friends and family, but even then, I could hear a quiet question behind their smiles: Is she ready for this? Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I was. The sleepless nights, the crying, the constant noise—I almost agreed that this whole motherhood thing might just break me.
The shift: from B.C. to A.D. (after diapers)
Motherhood does something wild to you. It strips away everything you thought you knew about yourself and says, “Let’s see what you’re made of.” And as someone who was typically on top of things—organized, composed, calm—it was a shock to realize just how little control I had.
For me, the change was shocking. I’d always been the calm, collected one. I liked having a plan. I liked being the one who knew what to do. But suddenly, I was the woman who hadn’t slept, couldn’t find her car keys, and was negotiating with a toddler about why cookies weren’t a breakfast food.
And my work life? That took a hit, too. Before kids, I was “on” all the time. I answered calls, stayed late, and gave 110 percent to my patients because I believed they deserved that. But once motherhood arrived, that version of me started to shift. I couldn’t be available to everyone anymore. I had to create boundaries. I had to choose when to give my energy—and that wasn’t easy for me to accept.
To make matters harder, the world seemed to have conflicting opinions on how I should handle it all, and I think this is especially hard for physician mothers. I’d get the kind comments about how “motherhood suits me,” but I’d also hear the little digs: “Oh, you’re not working as much anymore?” or “When are you going to have more babies?” (dripping sarcasm). Those comments stung, and the guilt was crushing. Research confirms I wasn’t alone—studies show working mothers often face immense pressure to meet societal expectations while grappling with internal guilt for not being “enough” at home or work. I felt I was failing everyone—my family, patients, and myself.
Let motherhood refine you, not define you.
But as I stumbled through it all, I realized something that changed everything: motherhood wasn’t trying to break me. It was refining me. It was stripping away the rigid parts of myself that no longer served me and showing me what mattered.
It wasn’t about mourning the freedom I had “lost” or wishing for my old life back. It was about allowing this new version of me to emerge. Motherhood didn’t make me weaker—it made me stronger in ways I couldn’t have imagined.
I used to cling to the B.C. days—days when I felt “in control.” But looking back, I realize I was holding onto a version of myself that wasn’t complete. Motherhood taught me how to adapt. It taught me how to loosen my grip, let things go, and roll with the unpredictability of life.
I started to see that motherhood didn’t mean I had to give up. I didn’t have to pick between being a mom and a professional. I could do both. I could mess up, I could get tired, and I could keep going anyway. Life didn’t have to be perfectly balanced to be beautiful.
The gift of motherhood
Here’s the thing no one tells you when they hand you that tiny, swaddled baby: motherhood is hard. Hard. It’s messy and exhausting, and there are days when you feel like you’re falling apart. But it’s also the most incredible, beautiful, humbling thing you’ll ever do.
Motherhood shows you just how strong you are. It teaches you to hold it together when you feel like falling apart. According to research, the stress of motherhood triggers neuroplasticity, meaning your brain becomes more adaptable to stress and capable of processing emotions in healthier ways. What feels like chaos is also transformation. It forces you to let go of perfection and instead focus on love, growth, and the small, beautiful moments—like little arms wrapping around your neck or tiny voices saying, “You’re the best mom ever.”
But here’s the other part no one tells you: motherhood doesn’t have to erase you. It will change you—there’s no way around that—but you don’t have to lose yourself. At your core, you’re still you. The dreams, the passions, the things that make you you are still there. You’re carrying them alongside the weight (and joy) of being someone’s mom.
So, if you’re in the middle of it—tired, overwhelmed, maybe a little lost—know it’s OK. You’re not alone. Motherhood won’t break you. It might crack you open, but only so you can grow into something even stronger.
Let it refine you. Let it teach you patience and grace. Let it remind you that you are still enough, even on the most challenging days. You’re doing better than you think. And this version of you? The one juggling the chaos, finding joy in the little moments, and showing up daily?
She’s pretty amazing.
Tomi Mitchell is a board-certified family physician and certified health and wellness coach with extensive experience in clinical practice and holistic well-being. She is also an acclaimed international keynote speaker and a passionate advocate for mental health and physician well-being. She leverages over a decade of private practice experience to drive meaningful change.
Dr. Mitchell is the founder of Holistic Wellness Strategies, where she empowers individuals through comprehensive, evidence-based approaches to well-being. Her career is dedicated to transforming lives by addressing personal challenges and enhancing relationships with practical, holistic strategies.
Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and book a discovery call to explore how she can support your wellness journey. For those interested in purchasing her book, please click here for the payment link. Check out her YouTube channel for more insights and valuable content on mental health and well-being.
