An excerpt from Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond published by American Academy of Pediatrics.
Your well-being allows you to be emotionally available for your child. Full stop.
Children demonstrate they care about us from the very early years. How did your preschooler demonstrate their empathy to you? Did they stroke your hair to comfort you? Did they offer you kisses and hugs? (If I looked worried, one of my daughters would get me Band-Aids!) When did they begin asking you why you were worried or seemed sad? Adolescents become particularly sensitive to our emotions. Do not believe false notions that suggest they stop caring about their parents. (This was disproven in the 1990s by Ellen Galinsky in Ask the children: The breakthrough study that reveals how to succeed at work and parenting. She found that teens want time with their parents, care about their well-being, and value their guidance.) No matter their age, have you noticed your child’s mood reflects yours? Have you sensed they become particularly angelic or disappear from your presence when you are otherwise burdened?
Because our children care about us and sense our moods, they may spare us the details of their lives to protect us. This is even true, and perhaps especially true, when our relationships are close. I don’t want you to be perfect or to feign stoicism. But I want you to invest in your own well-being for your own sake and for the sake of your children. Self-care will open your bandwidth, and it is then that your child will trust that you can be receptive to their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I have heard versions of the following statement countless times from adolescents who desperately needed their parents’ involvement but hid the details of their lives from them:
I couldn’t tell my mom. She has so many things on her mind. She works so hard and doesn’t get paid enough. I think she’s already depressed with what’s going on with my dad. And she takes care of my grandmother. I’m a mess; the last thing she needs is to deal with my problems.
When I encounter this type of situation, I help the young person grasp that they are not sparing their parent by withholding what is going on in their life. They honor them by including them. Then, I guide the parent to have the “Please don’t spare me” conversation.
I love you and appreciate your sensitivity to what I’m going through. I know you’re trying to spare me by handling problems on your own. Please don’t choose to spare me from what’s happening in your life. Sometimes, I question how well I am handling things in the rest of my life. But I know being your parent is the most important thing to me, and I want to come through for you. If anything, it’ll let me focus on what I care about the most—you. Please know that you honor me when you include me in your life.
We are all works in progress. Our children do not need us to be problem-free or entirely set our burdens aside. Instead, they need to know that when you get overwhelmed, you have strategies to manage your problems or release your emotions in a healthy way. This will send them the unspoken but clear message that they can add something to your plate without fearing it will be more than you can handle. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how sharing your calm isn’t about being unflappable; it’s about preparing our children to learn to achieve balance by being transparent about what we do to maintain ours.
You’ll parent best when your child knows you are well enough to be their lighthouse. You’ll know your child better because they’ll share more. You’ll better experience their joys. Because your unburdened self is more sensitive to small waves, you’ll more effectively avert crises by catching early subtle shifts in your child’s mood. Critically, you’ll be the person they’ll comfortably come to when they need support.
Self-care creates bandwidth
Self-care is usually presented in modern culture as strategies to escape your real life or soothing ways to manage stress. But we better care for ourselves when we integrate strategies to make our real lives more satisfying and productive. If this book increases your confidence as a parent and positions you to strengthen your family as you raise a child prepared to thrive, diving into this book is self-care.
Key steps to strengthen yourself
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Prioritize love and friendships. While gaining support and nurturance from others, you will also be modeling how important it is to maintain these significant relationships in our lives.
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Prioritize sleep. We manage stress and make better decisions when well-rested. The efficiency you’ll gain will far outweigh the time you’ve invested in restorative sleep.
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Incorporate exercise into your life. The proven effects of exercise in terms of stress management and improved clarity of thought are undeniable. Use exercise as both a way to maintain your physical and emotional health and to “work it out” when you’re experiencing an overload of stress. Even 15 or 20 minutes of movement a day makes a difference.
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Incorporate relaxation strategies into your lifestyle. Relaxation isn’t about getting away from it all. It is about giving yourself the ability to achieve the balance that allows you to refocus. This can look like reading a book, practicing yoga, listening to music, doing light cooking, or taking a short walk.
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Express rather than bottle up your emotions. When we set aside our thoughts and feelings, they fester, waiting for an inopportune moment to come pouring out. When you express yourself through talking, writing, praying, or any of the creative arts, less tension builds up.
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Recognize when you deserve support and reach for it. Being vulnerable is being strong when we notice we are deserving of guidance. There may be a time you’ll have to guide your child toward professional support; you’ll do so much more effectively when they know you view seeking help as an act of strength, not a sign of weakness.
As you do these things to care for yourself, occasionally talk out loud about what you’re doing. You’ll achieve two goals. First, you’ll model that we all need to invest in our emotional and physical health and in feeling connected to others. Second, knowing you are caring for yourself will give your children the confidence to reach out to you because they’ll set aside their fears of adding something to your overflowing plate.
Kenneth R. Ginsburg is a pediatrician and the author of Lighthouse Parenting: Raising Your Child With Loving Guidance for a Lifelong Bond.
